UNDER THE COVERS WITH JAMES... UH... LUKE VOLKER

The person I would most like to join me under the covers is someone artistic — talent is way sexy. But they have to be into skinny boys… and can’t have better hair than me.

The Duvet who most gets under my skin is... Well, I love all The Duvets dearly. You know, DEEP down. But if push comes to shove, I guess I’d have to say Judy. She might be little, but she’s pretty rage-filled. Scary stuff.

The actor I think would play me in The Duvets biopic is Corbin Bleu. Yeah, I know he’s black, but we have the same hair.

The quality I bring to The Duvets is really excellent hair.

If the other Duvets were asked to describe me they would say, “Who’s Luke?”

Without me, The Duvets would probably use backing tracks.

If I weren’t a Duvet I would be less inclined to spiral into a severe identity crisis.

The most romantic thing I have experienced is running into Kaitlin and Jules outside Toowong Sizzler. Okay, so they didn’t really recognise me, but we definitely had a moment.

The song that best describes me is That's Not My Name — ‘nuff said.

I feel sexiest in flannelette pyjamas and a fluffy dressing gown. Comfy and cuddly.

The last compliment I got was from my mother. She said I was looking far too thin. I thanked her.

When I have a drink The Duvets would say I mostly take my clothes off. This isn’t actually true, but they tend to get me confused with someone else.

UNDER THE COVERS WITH KAITLIN OLIVER

The person I would most like to join me under the covers is probably one of the boys from Hi-5. I’ve already had my way with the Wiggles…

The Duvet who most gets under my skin is Judy “the Megabitch” Hainsworth. I coined that nickname, you can use it if you want.

The quality I bring to The Duvets is vibrato: lots of it.

If the other Duvets were asked to describe me they would say I’m a crowd-pleaser.

Without me, The Duvets would not exist, to be frank. I’m like Duvet-glue.

If I weren’t a Duvet I would be making my way through the Ten Tenors. I prefer baritones generally, but c’est la vie.

I feel sexiest in the spotlight.

My favourite memory of being a Duvet is… Well, here’s a story for you. One day Judy was having a nap (Judy loves to nap); so I covered Bel’s eye socket in black and purple eyeshadow, woke Judy up and told her she’d had a rage blackout and punched Bel in the face. She got so angry she had a rage blackout and punched Bel in the face, and Bel had a black eye for a week and a half. Maybe I didn’t think that one through terribly well, though it was quite funny…

When I have a drink The Duvets would say I mostly disappear. So many men, so little time.

The last text I received said… Look, the last text I got was from Captain Feathersword, but I can’t tell you what it said, it’s rated “Arrrgh!” for raunchy…

UNDER THE COVERS WITH BELINDA RAISIN

The person I would most like to join me under the covers is Cat Stevens or Neil Diamond. We’d turn the covers into a fort, sit inside, and make music.

The Duvet who most gets under my skin is… Well, most of the time we are like one big happy family but if I had to choose I guess Judy can get a bit scary sometimes... (I hope she doesn't read this).

The actor I think would play me in The Duvets biopic is me of course! Or if I was too busy, probably Kate Hudson.

The quality I bring to The Duvets is fun times! Lots of love and laughter, (although sometimes I do question if they are laughing with me or at me).

If the other Duvets were asked to describe me they would say… You know what? I'm sure I once heard Cienda call me enigmatic. I think that's a good thing!

Without me, The Duvets would be bland.

If I weren’t a Duvet I would really love to be a kindergarten teacher but realistically I would probably just join the circus.

I feel sexiest in technicolour!

My favourite memory of being a Duvet is when the others agreed to try my idea of a Cat Stevens/Neil Diamond Megamix Medley choreographed by moi! Such a shame we never ended up doing it.

The best beauty secret I’ve picked up is stone fruit. Seriously. Never underestimate the wonders. Fresh avocado masques before bed, plum juice directly applied to pimples reduces swelling, drupe stones make and are excellent for exfoliating feet, fermented grape juice brings a healthy glow to the cheeks… Oh, and peach & plum smoothies help fight breast cancer cells.

UNDER THE COVERS WITH CIENDA McNAMARA

The person I would most like to join me under the covers is… Hmm, that's tricky. Well... I guess. Oh, let's just say I'm not fussy.

The Duvet who most gets under my skin is… I love all my Duvets for the fine women they are, but if pushed I would have to say Judy. Those rage blackouts can be real, just last week I casually mentioned that her butt looked big in her work uniform and the next thing I remember is coming to with a flanelette sheet wrapped around my neck and Judy frothing at the mouth and convulsing on the floor asking how she got there.

The actor I think would play me in The Duvets biopic is someone sexy. Perhaps Jessica Alba circa dark angel.

The quality I bring to The Duvets is sexual energy and smarts.

Without me, The Duvets would be a lot of duck down with nothing to stop them from blowing away in the breeze.

If I weren’t a Duvet I would be a copy editor or an international wordsmith-come-lyrical ganster.

The song that best describes me is You Can Leave Your Hat On because sometimes, that's all you need!

I feel sexiest in 1000 thread count egytian cotton.

The last compliment I got was from Judy, she said, I must drive the men wild with my extensive general knowledge and love of sharing it with everyone I come into contact with.

When I have a drink The Duvets would say I mostly get a little, uh, handsie.

UNDER THE COVERS WITH JULIANNE CLINCH

The person I would most like to join me under the covers would be my very own Prince Charming… For lots of cuddles!

The Duvet who most gets under my skin is… Hmm, I don’t know. I like all of The Duvets. No, I LOVE all of The Duvets. I guess, sometimes (only once in a while when she’s having a bad day), Judy can be a little scary.

The quality I bring to The Duvets is heart (and a little bit of fairy dust).

Without me, The Duvets would all forget to honour their inner child.

If I weren’t a Duvet I would be a famous romance novelist or pop diva. Or both. Probably both.

The most romantic thing I have experienced was being whisked away to an exotic island. At sunset, he took me on a romantic walk to secluded hill overlooking the ocean where he had a picnic set out. We lay on the picnic rug in the warm breeze well into the night drinking champagne and watching the stars. He looked deep into my eyes and told me that he loved me and that his desire for me burned like the heat of a thousand fiery suns… Of course, I read it in a romance novel, but I just know something like this is going to happen to me one day.

The song that best describes me is When You Wish Upon A Star because I love Disney and every night I wish on the biggest, brightest star I can find.

I feel sexiest in a pretty dress and a big smile.

When I have a drink The Duvets would say I mostly get a little giggly and profess my love for everyone (and everything). I once had a thirty-minute d&m with a packet of Cheezles… So I’m told.

The best beauty secret I’ve picked up is, smile and the world smiles with you.

UNDER THE COVERS WITH JUDY HAINSWORTH

The person I would most like to join me under the covers is Captain Snooze. He’s dreamy.

The Duvet who most gets under my skin is…all of them.

· Belinda - I can't stand hippies, with their fire twirling and chai tea.

· Kaitlin - so much ego, so much vibrato.

· Jules - irritatingly naïve. She lives in a world where Santa Clause and true love still exist.

· Cienda - the geekiest, nerdiest dweeb who ever played World of Warcraft. And if she corrects my grammar one more time...

The actor I think would play me in The Duvets biopic is Cate Blanchett, duh. Apart from our obvious physical similarities, I feel we really bonded in the five minutes we spent together in the Opera House foyer.

If the other Duvets were asked to describe me they would say exactly what I tell them to, because I would threaten them with grievous bodily harm.

The most romantic thing I have experienced is when Taylor the Curry Boy gave me extra naan bread.

I feel sexiest in my Adidas three-stripe tracksuit.

The last compliment I got was, “You have the bottom of a ten-year-old boy…you’re hired!”. I could tell you who said it, but then I’d have to kill you. Or at least put you in a coma.

When I have a drink, The Duvets would say I mostly do my Kate Miller-Heidke impression. And yes, it’s as annoying as the real thing.

The best beauty secret I’ve picked up is from Dannii Minogue, when we appeared on Australia’s Got Talent – she told me plastic surgery is cheaper when you buy in bulk.

The last text I received said…”Hi J, can’t wait 4 yr Duvets show, A & I wouldn’t miss it. x Cate”

UNDER THE COVERS WITH THE DUVETS!

Giant women folk. Lady midgets. One tall pianist and a teeny tiny band. No, it’s not a circus freak show, it’s Brisbane’s favourite B-Grade cabaret act, the Duvets!

Fresh from their notorious appearance on Australia’s Got Talent (they were disqualified for sexual misconduct, lawsuit pending), the Duvets are finally about to hit the big time. But they need help - professional help. The Duvets are suffering a crippling case of multiple personality disorder. Are they a fabricated girl-power pop group? A close-harmony quartet from the 80s with bad perms? Disney princesses pining for square-jawed heroes? On top of this insanity, they must grapple with sexual frustration, mutilated dwarves, home-schooling and rage blackouts. The mayhem plays out to a soundtrack of pop hits (and misses) from the Backstreet Boys, All Saints, Nena, C+C Music Factory, plus the hottest musical theatre from Legally Blonde, Wicked, Falsettoland, The Drowsy Chaperone, A Little Princess and more!

Who will survive Eurovision-gate?
Will Judy get her revenge on Bindi Irwin?
Will Kaitlin find her monkey?

Find out all this and more than you really wanted in…Under the Covers with the Duvets!

Featuring: Julianne Clinch, Judy Hainsworth, Cienda McNamara, Kaitlin Oliver, Belinda Raisin, James Dobinson (in spirit) and Luke Volker, accompanied by the Teeny Tiny Band: Luke Volker, Arun Roberts and Peter Zorzetto.

When: 7:30pm Monday 28th June

Where: Drift Restaurant, 330 Coronation Drive, Milton (formerly Oxley’s on the River)

Bookings: oztix.com.au or 1300 762 545

Price: $20

Moet & Chandon Piano Lounge open for pre & post show drinks
Drift Special! Pre show dining 2-course dinner for only $39pp

THE DUVETS: THE WORLD'S SCRAPPIEST CABARETTISTS

Julianne Clinch, Judy Hainsworth, Cienda McNamara, Kaitlin Oliver, Belinda Raisin.

with James Dobinson, Piano, M.C., Raconteur.

The Duvets are a performance ensemble whose aim is to push the boundaries of cabaret, whilst creating a product appealing to public and corporate audiences. Their shows showcase a collection of some of the greatest songs from the musical theatre, cabaret, jazz standard and pop repertoire, characterised by tight harmony and an actor's sensibility, sung by five of Brisbane’s best theatre and cabaret voices.